Scars

Scars,
As long as you are there, I loathe you
As long as I can see you, I fear you
Forever you will haunt me
In dreadful, questioning glances from another
Or in the unforgetful memory of a mother.

I still crave, you know?
To make more of you,
To embrace the pain
To conquer and laugh in the face of numbness
And feel something real, something I control.

Or do I?
I'm holding back, but for how much longer?
I'm not a fool, you know very well
Of lies I've told to protect you
To protect us.

Because you are a part of me
The physical embodiment of something dark
That there are no words for
You are the curse of this pain, for the world to see
But I can't hide you from myself.

I've tried to will you away
Burn you away
A mark of my insanity
Can I ever accept what you are?
Because I don't know if I can hide you forever.

Sometimes I hear you whisper
Sweet names and words
That went like a bullets through my brain
But instead lacerations on my skin
It burns in their name, so I cannot forget.

Dear Scars, you know who you are
I feel what you stand for
I fight back my anger and tears when I touch you
If only you could feel my shame, my torture
Then I'd cover myself in these scars.

Disillusionment

I climbed the mountain of perfection
A jagged one, an endless one.
Religious symbols make the path
Of where those died in struggle.

I fight. Sometimes it's effortless
Sometimes I fall-- down, down.
I stumble, and reach for a hand no longer there
I fail, how much longer till I don't rise up?

Don't say you give a shit!
I know your mind erases my pain-
Once you've left my sight.
Say nothing! 'Cause I've been lied to before.

As my mind is going in circles
My head tears itself in two,
Pain searing through the temples.
Can’t bear to think any longer.

Only if you knew
The pain I felt so far today,
This week, this month.
Could you then be so critical of me?

From my peak I cry out.
Everyone looks, but no one said a word.
I'm too self-conscious to cry,
Even when I'm alone.

Tiny rocks break loose.
My arms, hands, legs are cut by failures.
Blood runs freely down my skin
I'm getting tired from all this climbing.

O the days I wish to grow wings
Or to fall farther, closer to the fire.
The pain will make it better-
The pain will make it real.

Curse my eyes for seeing beauty in its death
The evils of the world destroy it slowly.
Even from the top of perfection,
Down below is the bitter ugliness of the world.

Scripture For My Purpose

I'm kissing shallow veins again
Knife licking as I fight against these chains.
'Cause these reminiscing thoughts take hold!
Startin' to shake and I ain't even cold.

I'm making-out with death
Flirting with destiny,
Cheating on morality-
Asserting self brutality.

Lie after bitter f**king lie,
Truth must be a blinded eye
You knew it cut me up, robbed my sleep
It burned me layers deep.

Dead or alive? I'll never know.
Truth is jus' a joke, is that my epitaph?
Provoking you..jus' to gain your attention.
You knew my intension! my needs to survive.

Now I've been stepped on so many times,
Can't feel my legs, but I"m moving?
Stop. Breathe. Listen to the rain drops fall.
Caress my broken spirit, or leave me like the rest.

Mommy the sky is crying for grandma
Been five years, really so long?
Rose hill top looking down at angel city,
Give me the strength not give up, like she did.

So much crap I haven't dealt with,
Weighs me down in mine fields of my enemy.
Who is my true adversary?
Confusion by visionary.

But I'm still counting down the days
Wondern' if I'll see you there.
Scribblin' your name
You'll be the last thing through my heart.

Your Wish

Shaking...craving feeling again...
My mind is loose and swimming
These thoughts so dark
Crimson colors my world
As I stare at purple walls

Afraid to let go of myself
Fears that I might lose myself!
Words they echo in my head:
Ugly b***h, lazy f**k, stupid c**t
Die for the sake my enraged hate!

Guilt it drowns me in my tears
Can't stay fucking still!
Sweating, cold, alone and scared
Screaming all your names at once
Legs kicking, dreaming half awake.

Old wounds open with the rising moon
Repressed depressed arising from within
Controls my mind and pushes me aside
Red, red...you cursed me! made me this
And you don't even fucking exist!

I'm healing while I'm beaten
A never ending cycle
Border line back or white
Good or evil friend or foe
Cure me with your wish

Entangled Within

I never realized the hurt you drilled into me
Never healed from the lies burned into my skin
Trying to change the person you were so afraid of
When it was you that set me off.

This is how it looks when I fall apart
And lose myself in all my sickness
Unable to wake myself
From a never ending nightmare.

Deep inside of me I'm still the person you knew
Bound in knotted chains becoming more loose by the minute
Arm yourself so that you may stand a chance
It's me and you; I don't plan on leaving this earth alone.

Was it the lies? Was it the lack of affection?
To make me so numb and afraid of myself
Guess I let the real me out, no more suppressing
Comforting thoughts…warm milky poisons.

I ran away from you, but you pursued me!
Caressed my heart with only more of your lies
But you have scarred me for the last time
And will never be able to hurt me again.